MEMOIRS OF A NOBODY (CHAPTER 9)

A year passed and my finances were absolutely dire. The only choice I had was to either sell my house or rent it out to get an income. Luckily I had a very rich Godmother who had helped me in the past, financially. She had a second charge on my house and therefore would not allow me to sell the property as it was my only asset. So we agreed that she would give me my inheritance before her death to enable me to “do up” the house and get it rented.

This was to prove a difficult task as Finian, David and Chloe had nowhere to live if I were to rent the house out. My daughter, Alex, had moved out to live with her boyfriend in Barcelona.

Finian and Chloe had no job, not because they hadn’t been trying, but because they literally could not find anyone to employ them even after endless interviews. Unemployment was at an all time high and even people with degrees coming out of their ears had to work in fast food chains and sweep the streets! I don't belittle working in places like that when you need to eat as I actually graced McDonalds with my presence  when my son was 3 and my husband was studying for a law degree. It kept us fed daily on the finest hamburgers for 3 months!

David and I did move into my mother’s house, when the decorators came to gut my place and get it into shape.  Finian and Chloe were still without a place to live and I was glad in a way that they had to remain in my house to deal with the decorators for the next few months.  After the work had been done, my daughter moved back to England from Barcelona with her Spanish boyfriend. They saw the house and decided they would rent it for a year at the full price. The only stipulation was that I should pay £125 per week for Finian and Chloe to share the house with them. I agreed that I would knock off £500 per month until Finian and Chloe were gone. At least I could get some money coming in to pay for my basics and solve the problem of making my entire family homeless. After a month, Finian and Chloe decided to brave it and move to New York where Chloe could get her old job back and Finian could a) get away from me and his old life and b) try and work out a way of getting a job as a Real Estate Agent in New York. They went to live with my brother and his wife for the following 3 months, rent free, which enabled them to hopefully get on their feet. My family and I were like a band of travelling gypsys at this point!

After I moved to my mother’s house, I decided to make an attempt to get myself together physically and emotionally. I went to my doctor and explained that I was an alcoholic, an X cocaine addict (I had given that up by now and have never touched it again), chronically depressed, and clinically obese. The doctor did tests and discovered that I had extremely high blood pressure, my cholesterol was off the scales, I had an irregular heartbeat caused by my cocaine abuse, and my liver was showing signs of severe strain. So I went onto about 6 different pills to rectify the problems and set up counselling for alcohol and depression.

Pausing a moment to get a grip on what had gone wrong with my life, I am, and always will be, perplexed as to what can happen to people that determines what happens to them despite their upbringing.

I started life, as I first said, with a silver spoon in my mouth. My life was interesting and varied. I had good parents who loved me and brothers who helped me out at times when I couldn’t go to anyone else. There is no explanation other than the fact that I am an adrenaline junky and was born with the addiction gene.  Stress, fun, exhilaration, poverty, excitement, drama; it is all the same. When you feel that you have none of the above, (speaking purely from my point of view), life feels empty and you long for something to be different. That gaping, empty hole inside oneself is floundering for something to grab onto, to either get out of it or fill it. Self-pity is rampant and the ego is totally obsessed with ME, ME, ME. Alcohol and drugs were a means to anesthetise these feelings.  But they were no longer working. They only made things worse.

I have never been one to ignore what is important in life. It is just that I was distracted for a few decades and could not see the wood for the trees.  Our lives have highs and lows, depending on our choices and of course life’s plan itself. I had chosen to go for the highs, however and whenever possible since I was unable to cope with the lows.  At this point I was only interested in staying alive which was proving more and more of a challenge.